Category Archives: Humor

Itsy & The Infinite Web 7: Hands In The Palm Of The Head

The three walked silently down the long reflective hall past many, many indistinguishable doors for what seemed like an overlong time.  Finally one of the doors flew open and out stumbled a giraffe in a long lab coat. He saw them and stopped in his tracks, bewildered.

“Oh!  Hello!  I didn’t know we had visitors.  I’m the division head here. Did you know that six hundred and seventy two orangutans in seven piles would put precisely ninety six apes in each?  I thought you would not. Allow me to show you around or two,” he said, chuckling at his little joke as he continued across the hall to the door opposite the other, which he opened, revealing another giraffe in a lab coat.  “This is my disassociate.”

No I’m not!  I’ve never seen this giraffe before in my life!  This isn’t the time or the place!  I’m not here right now, but you can leave me a message after the beep,” stammered the second giraffe, clearly surprised and upset.

“On second thought,” the division head said, carefully closing the door in the disassociate’s face, “let’s go over here, instead,” and he walked back across the hall to a third door and opened it.

The silence of the hall was filled by a sea of sounds.  The giraffe ushered them into a gigantic factory full of humming and buzzing machines, swarming with attendants in white hazard suits and thick yellow gloves.  They worked away in all shapes and sizes, with little way to distinguish their species. The division head led the tripartite tour group through the room and between the machines, clasping his hooves together as if he had a firm grasp of the situation, and gazing upward from the top of his long neck as if the ceiling held secret answers no one else could see.  He began to lecture the three, presumably to guide the tour.

“Have you ever wondered to yourself: Who are all these fools and jerks?  Where do they find them all?  Is there some sort of competition to be this stupid, or can anybody do it if they know the right people?  Clearly it takes all kinds, and not just the kind kind of kinds.  We know our world is full of fools and jerks, yet many important questions remain unanswered.  Are jerks merely fools of a certain feather? Are fools always fooled by jerks?  Can fools or jerks be contained or counteracted through the proper use of institutions, or is it always a losing battle?  Here at Establishment Labs, we are first and foremost in these fundamental studies.

Sometimes we say things, others agree, we put them in practice, and things work out, but there are also times that all this happens and not a single thing works out, sometimes because of fools, sometimes because of jerks, and sometimes just because.  Then there are times when we say things and nobody agrees, times we can’t do anything right, and times when we say things as if we don’t mean them, sometimes because of fools and jerks, and sometimes just because.  Because of all that, we haven’t completely extracted fools or jerks from anything yet.

We now know, after extensive, objective analysis, that fools and jerks are sub-composed of solids, liquids and gases: food, water and air, irrespectively.  Unfortunately this does nothing to isolate them from or contain them within the general population.  There are even those who theorize that fools and jerks are indistinguishable from ordinary folks like us, but that could mean…” and here he trailed off, bit his lip, and motioned for them to huddle together, his eyes darting nervously around the room, lowering his higher head carefully down to their level.  “We could be surrounded by fools and jerks, right now,” he whispered, “ IN THIS VERY ROOM!

HELLO MARSHMALLOW!” sang Joy to one of the suited attendants, who fell backwards in fear and curled up into a ball on the floor, covering masked head in massive gloves.

“Oh, you don’t want to talk to the hands,” said the division head.  “They aren’t trained to communicate. We carefully breed them to have no life outside the lab.  They live and work in arranged pairs, taking turns working and sleeping. One hand washes the other, feeds the other, sends the other up here to work, and then they rotate.  They don’t interact with others, other than that.  You should really only speak to me, or any of the other division heads.  We divide people and things, and speak for them.”

“Typically, things can’t speak,” said Itsy with a questioning gaze.

“Actually, science, religion, politics, philosophy, history, art and all sorts of things say all sorts of things, but they have to say them through us, the analysts.  We specialize in everything.  We envision how things are, and put the tune to words.”

Itsy & The Infinite Web 4: Too True & The Standing Consensus

Itsy dove over the cliff and down through the fog, into the valley below.  Yet again she saw more, not a pile and two but a circle of four. A small flock of sheep, if four makes a flock, stood out in a field enwrapped in a passionate conversation.  The grass was finely trimmed around them, which was odd as Itsy couldn’t see any trimmers.

“Hello there, small spider!” said the first sheep with a friendly smile.  “We are attempting to form a standing consensus. We’ve never accomplished it, in spite of all our efforts.”

“Of course, we’ve never really tried,” said the second, smugly.

TOO TRUE!” cried the third with unqualified joy.

“We’ve been trying for a long time now,” said the fourth with great frustration, glaring at the second.  The second simply continued to smug, as if he didn’t notice.

Ignoring the others completely, the first continued.  “To form a consistent consensus, we must figure out who is a fool, who is a liar, and exclude them from the group.  Then we will not only possess a consensus, but one that includes neither fools nor liars. That’s very important for a content consensus, no matter the form or content of consent.”

The second scoffed.  “Well, we all know that I could never lie, myself.”

TOO TRUE!” cried the third.

Any of us could be a liar, just as any of us could be a fool,” declared the fourth.  “Perhaps more than one of us, each.”

“Certainly,” agreed the first.  “That sounds civil.”

The second bared his teeth at the fourth.  “ONLY A LIAR WOULD SAY THAT!” he bleated, pulled a pistol from his wool, and shot the fourth dead.  There was swift silence as the first stared in horror and the gunsmoke drifted off into the wind.

TOO TRUE!” cried the third a third time.

The first nervously stared at the perforated fourth.  “Well, I guess he was the liar, and that would make me the fool!  Ha! Heh.” He did a silly little dance as best he could.  “Please don’t shoot me.”

The second raised the gun happily skyward, and put his arm around the third.  “You’re perfectly safe! Just as long as we have our consensus to stand in!”

TOO…” began the third.

“That’s quite enough,” the second interrupted.  “We heard you the first few times.”

Itsy began to slide away.  “Well, I’d better be going again.”

The first looked tearfully at Itsy.  “Oh… Don’t go!  You’ve said nothing so far, which is entirely my fault, and if you stay, I’ll agree with anything you say, I swear!”

“No, I’ve seen this all before, countless times by my count, and I have further fools to find, I fear,” said Itsy over her shoulder as she slid away once again.

The second beamed at Itsy, waving goodbye with the smoking gun.  “Remember, we’ve never really tried!”

“Yes, we’ve all heard you before,” said Itsy.  “It’s an often and popular heard mentality.”

As Itsy left she could hear the second say, “Now look, we three can do this one of two ways.  The easy way is hard, but its over really quick.  The hard way is easy, but it never really ends.  Unfortunately, we’ll have to kill a lot of folks.  Fortunately, none of them will be us.”

O_______________O

Ponderous Walrus Ponders: Hitler Did Nothing Right

Some silly people have put forward the ridiculous and sarcastic idea, “Hitler did nothing wrong.”  Perhaps the equally ludicrous and indefensible counter-position could be advanced (in humor) that Hitler, in fact, did nothing right, as he consistently and methodically made basic mistakes in arithmetic and did on occasion point to an apple and baselessly state, “ZAT iz ein TANGERINE!

Confucius said that perfection is impossible, but goodness is always at hand.  If it is impossible for Confucius to do no wrong, but also impossible for Hitler himself to do nothing right, does that make everyone right and wrong, either or neither?

It is good to keep this idea firmly in mind:  Every day you play the kazoo, you are a little bit less and less like Hitler.  Clearly, playing the kazoo is somewhere close to perfection.

(Disclosure & Disclaimer: The author is unconditionally opposed to the idea that Hitler was anything other than terrible.)

Zen Speaks by Tsai Chih Chung

Zen Speaks is a modern collection of Zen stories and koans by the author and artist Tsai Chih Chung that I highly recommend which contains wonderful cartoon renderings of many of the koans and stories we’ve already covered.  I just found out that you can watch the entire work as a cartoon in Cantonese with English subtitles on YouTube.

Tsunayoshi the Dog Shogun

In reading Crazy Clouds: Zen Radicals, Rebels & Reformers (Besserman & Steger 1991) I came across an amusing and disturbing paragraph:

Tsunayoshi the Dog Shogun

Oblivious to popular resentment and surrounding himself with small-minded advisers, Tsunayoshi extended his private sensibilities even further into the public domain by declaring the killing of animals a capital offense.  This necessitated the creation of an enormous bureaucracy consisting of police and inspectors to keep track of all newborn litters and to make accurate lists of the sex and markings of the animals.  Samurai who defied this decree were mercilessly put to death at the shogun’s personal orders.  Nicknaming him Inu-Kobo, or Dog-Shogun, the citizens of Edo did not grieve when Tsunayoshi was murdered by his wife in 1709.