Category Archives: Contradiction & Paradox

Itsy & The Infinite Web 7: Hands In The Palm Of The Head

The three walked silently down the long reflective hall past many, many indistinguishable doors for what seemed like an overlong time.  Finally one of the doors flew open and out stumbled a giraffe in a long lab coat. He saw them and stopped in his tracks, bewildered.

“Oh!  Hello!  I didn’t know we had visitors.  I’m the division head here. Did you know that six hundred and seventy two orangutans in seven piles would put precisely ninety six apes in each?  I thought you would not. Allow me to show you around or two,” he said, chuckling at his little joke as he continued across the hall to the door opposite the other, which he opened, revealing another giraffe in a lab coat.  “This is my disassociate.”

No I’m not!  I’ve never seen this giraffe before in my life!  This isn’t the time or the place!  I’m not here right now, but you can leave me a message after the beep,” stammered the second giraffe, clearly surprised and upset.

“On second thought,” the division head said, carefully closing the door in the disassociate’s face, “let’s go over here, instead,” and he walked back across the hall to a third door and opened it.

The silence of the hall was filled by a sea of sounds.  The giraffe ushered them into a gigantic factory full of humming and buzzing machines, swarming with attendants in white hazard suits and thick yellow gloves.  They worked away in all shapes and sizes, with little way to distinguish their species. The division head led the tripartite tour group through the room and between the machines, clasping his hooves together as if he had a firm grasp of the situation, and gazing upward from the top of his long neck as if the ceiling held secret answers no one else could see.  He began to lecture the three, presumably to guide the tour.

“Have you ever wondered to yourself: Who are all these fools and jerks?  Where do they find them all?  Is there some sort of competition to be this stupid, or can anybody do it if they know the right people?  Clearly it takes all kinds, and not just the kind kind of kinds.  We know our world is full of fools and jerks, yet many important questions remain unanswered.  Are jerks merely fools of a certain feather? Are fools always fooled by jerks?  Can fools or jerks be contained or counteracted through the proper use of institutions, or is it always a losing battle?  Here at Establishment Labs, we are first and foremost in these fundamental studies.

Sometimes we say things, others agree, we put them in practice, and things work out, but there are also times that all this happens and not a single thing works out, sometimes because of fools, sometimes because of jerks, and sometimes just because.  Then there are times when we say things and nobody agrees, times we can’t do anything right, and times when we say things as if we don’t mean them, sometimes because of fools and jerks, and sometimes just because.  Because of all that, we haven’t completely extracted fools or jerks from anything yet.

We now know, after extensive, objective analysis, that fools and jerks are sub-composed of solids, liquids and gases: food, water and air, irrespectively.  Unfortunately this does nothing to isolate them from or contain them within the general population.  There are even those who theorize that fools and jerks are indistinguishable from ordinary folks like us, but that could mean…” and here he trailed off, bit his lip, and motioned for them to huddle together, his eyes darting nervously around the room, lowering his higher head carefully down to their level.  “We could be surrounded by fools and jerks, right now,” he whispered, “ IN THIS VERY ROOM!

HELLO MARSHMALLOW!” sang Joy to one of the suited attendants, who fell backwards in fear and curled up into a ball on the floor, covering masked head in massive gloves.

“Oh, you don’t want to talk to the hands,” said the division head.  “They aren’t trained to communicate. We carefully breed them to have no life outside the lab.  They live and work in arranged pairs, taking turns working and sleeping. One hand washes the other, feeds the other, sends the other up here to work, and then they rotate.  They don’t interact with others, other than that.  You should really only speak to me, or any of the other division heads.  We divide people and things, and speak for them.”

“Typically, things can’t speak,” said Itsy with a questioning gaze.

“Actually, science, religion, politics, philosophy, history, art and all sorts of things say all sorts of things, but they have to say them through us, the analysts.  We specialize in everything.  We envision how things are, and put the tune to words.”

Itsy & The Infinite Web 6: You’re In & You’re Out

As the three reached the end of the road, they passed underneath a large sign that said: ESTABLISHMENT LABORATORIES – Distilling Life to Fortify our World!

Beyond the gate the tower was towering, wide with many sides and tall with many stories.  The three approached two huge doors covered in golden symbols. Prudence examined the door while Itsy watched Joy sail her boat through the air and make motor noises.

“Ah, here we are!” said Prudence as she pushed a large X that produced a small chime.  “The bell tolls for these.”

The doors swung open outwards and with them came two guards, both large bears, covered with badges and medals, as if highly decorated after countless past battles.  The guard on the right had a hat that said “Out Warden”, and the guard on the left had a hat that said ‘“In Warden”. The two stood shoulder to shoulder in the doorway, glaring at the three inquirers.

“Alright, stop right there, all of you!” demanded the Out Warden.  “You’re clearly all outside, and thus are not to be trusted!”

“Yes!” agreed the In Warden, “Stop right here, and come inside immediately!

YES,” shouted Out, “Stop and… Wait, what?  NO!  We were told to keep everyone OUT who was out, and by someone up high inside!”

“No we weren’t!” IN ‘sisted.  “I spoke to several superiors and THEY want everyone IN!

WHO HIRED YOU?!?” exclaimed OUT.  “They can’t have clearance!  What kind of guard keeps everyone in?”

Prison guards?” suggested Prudence, trying to keep Joy from climbing between them, using their ribbons for grips and footing.  “JOY!  These people are not toys.  They are serious tools.”

“And what if one of them has a knife, HUH?” thrusted OUT, as oblivious as IN to the upwardly mobile duckling.  “Should we give everyone a group hug to check for weapons, you long-haired anarchist?  Remember, I’m the old guard here.”

“Anarchy?  ME?!?” IN ‘quisitioned with surprise.  “You’re the one who lets dangerous strangers run around without supervision!  If any of them is armed, we should make sure to look in on them, not leave them out here without any oversight!”

“Between the two of you,” Itsy intervened, “you must let some in and some out some of the time.  Otherwise, seal the door shut and there’s no need for guards.”

The two stared at Itsy and then at each other, while Prudence tried to stop Joy from cramming as many medals as she could into her mouth.

“How about we compromise,” thought OUT out loud.  “She can get in, or her or her!

“Finally we’re getting somewhere,” IN vented with frustration, and pointed to Prudence and Itsy with two claws.  “You and you, get IN here!”

“No,” said OUT.  “I said her OR her, OR her!”

“Right!” said IN.  “So her AND her, NOT her!”

“No, no, NO!” screamed OUT.  “What part of OR don’t you understand!”

“If the choice is mine to make, you silly screaming person, then I could choose her, her or her, or her and her, her and her, or her and her.  I could choose her and her AND THE SPIDER, but I’m trying to compromise!” said IN, completely exhausted.

Prudence pried the slimy ball of ribbons from Joy’s mouth, tossed them safely aside, and pulled a sandwich out of her coat.  “Perhaps you could share this?” she suggested.

Both bears eyed the sandwich.

“I say one of us eats it or nobody eats it,” said the Out Warden.

“And I say both of us eats it or nobody eats it,” said the In Warden.

“So you both agree that nobody eats it,” concluded Prudence.

NOT NECESSARILY!” the two passionately objected together.

They turned to and on each other, both hungry but both stubborn, arguing over the standing practices of when and how sandwiches are shared that lasted far longer than it would have taken for either or both to simply eat the sandwich.

Itsy, interested in neither side and now bored, slid beneath their disagreement, and the other two followed her through the door and down a long reflective hall.  Prudence left the sandwich on the doorstep between the arguing guards, though this clearly bothered her.

“See that!  Three more got in!  That’s YOUR FAULT!” said OUT as an echo down the hall.

My fault?  First of all, I win!” said IN, another echo.  “Second to none, you were distracting us!”

“They barely listen,” sighed Prudence, “either to us or to each other.”

“I’m not really sure what we’re getting into exactly,” said Itsy, glancing back towards the doors, “It certainly looks like we’re in for a long haul, but thanks for getting us in the door, Prudence.”

“Not a problem,” replied the swan calmly.  “Everyone fights over truth as if it’s the last sandwich on earth, or on wheat, on Dutch crunch… JOY! Don’t lick the walls!  You don’t know where they’ve been!

Itsy & The Infinite Web 4: Too True & The Standing Consensus

Itsy dove over the cliff and down through the fog, into the valley below.  Yet again she saw more, not a pile and two but a circle of four. A small flock of sheep, if four makes a flock, stood out in a field enwrapped in a passionate conversation.  The grass was finely trimmed around them, which was odd as Itsy couldn’t see any trimmers.

“Hello there, small spider!” said the first sheep with a friendly smile.  “We are attempting to form a standing consensus. We’ve never accomplished it, in spite of all our efforts.”

“Of course, we’ve never really tried,” said the second, smugly.

TOO TRUE!” cried the third with unqualified joy.

“We’ve been trying for a long time now,” said the fourth with great frustration, glaring at the second.  The second simply continued to smug, as if he didn’t notice.

Ignoring the others completely, the first continued.  “To form a consistent consensus, we must figure out who is a fool, who is a liar, and exclude them from the group.  Then we will not only possess a consensus, but one that includes neither fools nor liars. That’s very important for a content consensus, no matter the form or content of consent.”

The second scoffed.  “Well, we all know that I could never lie, myself.”

TOO TRUE!” cried the third.

Any of us could be a liar, just as any of us could be a fool,” declared the fourth.  “Perhaps more than one of us, each.”

“Certainly,” agreed the first.  “That sounds civil.”

The second bared his teeth at the fourth.  “ONLY A LIAR WOULD SAY THAT!” he bleated, pulled a pistol from his wool, and shot the fourth dead.  There was swift silence as the first stared in horror and the gunsmoke drifted off into the wind.

TOO TRUE!” cried the third a third time.

The first nervously stared at the perforated fourth.  “Well, I guess he was the liar, and that would make me the fool!  Ha! Heh.” He did a silly little dance as best he could.  “Please don’t shoot me.”

The second raised the gun happily skyward, and put his arm around the third.  “You’re perfectly safe! Just as long as we have our consensus to stand in!”

TOO…” began the third.

“That’s quite enough,” the second interrupted.  “We heard you the first few times.”

Itsy began to slide away.  “Well, I’d better be going again.”

The first looked tearfully at Itsy.  “Oh… Don’t go!  You’ve said nothing so far, which is entirely my fault, and if you stay, I’ll agree with anything you say, I swear!”

“No, I’ve seen this all before, countless times by my count, and I have further fools to find, I fear,” said Itsy over her shoulder as she slid away once again.

The second beamed at Itsy, waving goodbye with the smoking gun.  “Remember, we’ve never really tried!”

“Yes, we’ve all heard you before,” said Itsy.  “It’s an often and popular heard mentality.”

As Itsy left she could hear the second say, “Now look, we three can do this one of two ways.  The easy way is hard, but its over really quick.  The hard way is easy, but it never really ends.  Unfortunately, we’ll have to kill a lot of folks.  Fortunately, none of them will be us.”

O_______________O

Ponderous Walrus Ponders: Hitler Did Nothing Right

Some silly people have put forward the ridiculous and sarcastic idea, “Hitler did nothing wrong.”  Perhaps the equally ludicrous and indefensible counter-position could be advanced (in humor) that Hitler, in fact, did nothing right, as he consistently and methodically made basic mistakes in arithmetic and did on occasion point to an apple and baselessly state, “ZAT iz ein TANGERINE!

Confucius said that perfection is impossible, but goodness is always at hand.  If it is impossible for Confucius to do no wrong, but also impossible for Hitler himself to do nothing right, does that make everyone right and wrong, either or neither?

It is good to keep this idea firmly in mind:  Every day you play the kazoo, you are a little bit less and less like Hitler.  Clearly, playing the kazoo is somewhere close to perfection.

(Disclosure & Disclaimer: The author is unconditionally opposed to the idea that Hitler was anything other than terrible.)

Zen Speaks by Tsai Chih Chung

Zen Speaks is a modern collection of Zen stories and koans by the author and artist Tsai Chih Chung that I highly recommend which contains wonderful cartoon renderings of many of the koans and stories we’ve already covered.  I just found out that you can watch the entire work as a cartoon in Cantonese with English subtitles on YouTube.

Two Water Buffalo

Kanzan and Jittoku zen

zhaozhou

In the Zen koan collection The Gateless Gate, Zhaozhou found the sages Kanzan and Jittoju while wandering on Mount Tiantai and said, “For a long time I have heard about Kanzan and Jittoju, but having come here I just see two water buffalo.”  The sages put their fingers on their heads like horns.  The master waved his arms at them and said, “Shoo!  Shoo!”  The sages gnashed their teeth and glared at each other, happy to become water buffalos when accused but reluctant to leave when shooed.  When asked about this later, Zhaozhou laughed heartily and said nothing.  When Linji compared Pahua to a donkey Pahua brayed at him, and Linji called a monk who mooed at him, “This beast!”  If you asked these masters an educated, scholarly question you would likely be ridiculed, but if you acted like an untamed animal you just might meet their approval.

Two Water Buffalo

Kanzan jittoku screen japan

This gong-an is very simple and short, but like the rest it contains meanings that sprout up when you look them over carefully and consider that for thousands of years these particular cases were preserved as teaching devices.  We typically pick humans over water buffalos, so calling two sages water buffalos is insulting, even if it is innocent and playful, like the sages response to effortlessly take up the role of water buffalo, a muddy and supposedly dimwitted beast.  If we are all somewhat water buffalo, why not embrace it?  It is very easy to miss that after Zhaozhou shoos them, they refuse, which is moving from obeying Zhaozhou to disobeying Zhaozhou.  However, once this thought occurs, it then opens up to the next thought that a disobedient water buffalo is a ‘good’ water buffalo in that it is more true to life, so when Kanzan and Jittoju disobey, are they obeying Zhaozhou or not?  Zhaozhou simply laughs.  Is it more obedient to the universe to be a crazy beast or a polite and proper person?

broken vase

It is quite human to be inhumane.  Is a broken, unusable vase still a vase?  If not, why call it such?  How can our minds share these negative forms, what Hegel could call determinate negation, so easily and fluidly?  Consider this mere image, two blind men on a log bridge, by the Rinzai Zen master Hakuin:

Hakuin two blind men crossing log bridge

zen teachings of hakuin

Now consider this cover art here, with only the first blind man .  You would think of the second only if you were familiar with the first image, which anyone familiar with the image would know, just as effortlessly.  However, in looking into these things, and looking specifically for an image that has the end of the log hanging in space as it is on this cover, it turns out that the image on this cover is actually one of three blind men crossing a bridge, a cropped portion of a completely different painting by Hakuin of the same theme, blind men crossing a log bridge.  Here is the third image below:

blind men crossing a log bridge hakuin

Hakuin might ask us:  What does the blindness of these men look like?  Perhaps it looks like the slippery feeling of being blindfolded on a wet, algae-covered log suspended over a rushing stream that cannot be seen, either by us or by these blind images.